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biLLy

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[05 Jun 2007|01:45am]
Whoa.. it's been over a year. I'm delaying studying for Calc. So much has happened since then it's ridiculous. I'm a chemistry major and I'm doing research this summer. I wonder if that's the right decision. I think this thing is stupid and juvenile; I guess that's me growing up since highschool. I'm twenty years old now, the big 2-0. I have my own computer now. I like "the immigrant song" alot. I love a girl and she loves me back; we've been dating for almost 18 months, I have a hunch we'll get married but I dont' think about that much. Like I said, I'm just the big 2-0. I miss somethings that have changed since highschool or two weeks ago for that matter. I've started thinking about grad school, that's somewhat scary, but a necessary evil. I wonder who reads this thing anymore? I wonder how people are from highschool; I miss some of them. Some things never change.
2 You'll never get the best of mine

[11 Jan 2006|01:04am]
"... i don't think some people deserve the comfort of another person i rather them drop dead. that is all."


Very well said.. very well indeed..
best of mine

[10 Jan 2006|01:08am]
In looking back on the past, I've become quite nostalgic. I'd alter many choices and decisions; right the "wrongs" of the distant or arms length away past. Decisions are final. Or are they not? I'm pretty confident they are, although the decision could still be reprimanded, the consequences most definitely still linger; I'm sure of that. I never thought I'd say this, but for certain situations, I'd like to go back to where I started.

Bethany just called me and we're talking, or atleast we were. Damn stupid phone. I miss her. She just called back, so fuck this and I'm going to go talk to her.
best of mine

[08 Dec 2005|12:38am]
The past 30 hours or so have been the most emotionally and mentally draining of my life. And no I don't want to talk about it.
best of mine

[01 Dec 2005|12:52am]
I feel totally uncomfortable and distant in my own skin. I really hate when I'm like this, this being the past couple of days or decades; I haven't really been able to decide. I'm so sick of the word "feel" that I'm trying to look up synonyms to use but failing miserably. It's ironic, I haven't really felt anything in awhile yet here I am now. I'm stupid. This is totally random and unprovoked I really don't know why I'm like this.
best of mine

[29 Nov 2005|11:59pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I hung out with Katie yesterday. She said I seemed happier. I've been thinking about that ever since it passed her lips. Am I really happy or happier? What is "happy" anyway, where was I when this definition was passed? I guess you can say I'm "happier" but for all of the wrong reasons. That really bothers me. Wholeheartedly. I hung out with Bethany tonight. We went to McDonald's and it was fun. She intimidates me though. I don't even know why; I mean I guess I have some ideas why, but they don't really make sense or just don't make sense in my head. I don't know. Estoy lame. In other news, I'm almost done with school and I was hit in the neck with a hockey ball and it looks like I have a huge hickey which couldn't be farther from the truth. Yeah, my life's pretty boring but that's one thing that hasn't changed.











I am heaven sent.
Don't you dare forget.
I am all you've ever wanted.
What all the other boys all promised.
Sorry I told.
I just needed you to know.




I wonder what I have to do to get you to notice me? I also wonder who "you" could possibly be.

1 You'll never get the best of mine

I am Billy's [fragile] brain. [26 Nov 2005|06:44am]
I want to love and be loved. Or don't I? Nope I'm pretty sure i want to. I feel as if I'm going to lose many valued and honored friendships because of this whole college thing. That's going to tear me apart. I feel ironicallly fake around certain/most people. It's not at all comforting knowing that everyone has personas and masks.


I'm going to bed. I'm miserable.
best of mine

[13 Nov 2005|02:57am]
I've realized this past week that all of what I do I don't do to live. Conversely I do them because I'm clearly dying on the inside.
best of mine

Life [07 Nov 2005|12:55am]
[ mood | hated big time ]

Is a lose-lose situation. Why does everyone hate me? Was it something I said?

best of mine

[10 Oct 2005|12:55am]
[ mood | dirty ]

Coffee Ciggarettes College. That is what my life has become. I am so utterly frustrated and unhappy with myself. I am disgusting.

best of mine

[07 Sep 2005|11:15pm]
1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
my answersCollapse )


College eh big deal. What's all the fuss about?
1 You'll never get the best of mine

I have I have I have I have I have I have [23 Aug 2005|02:23am]
[ mood | described in words= impossible ]

Have you ever felt so much regret that it eats at you? kills you?

best of mine

[19 Aug 2005|03:13am]
[ mood | depressed ]

In the next two weeks, every single solitary human being I was ever close with, is leaving. I have to start all over. On the drive home, as soon as I got into my car, it hit me. This undescribable feeling. This horrendous miserable let down of utter disappoint me. I'm dead inside. I say that like it's something new, but it's not. Caitlin enjoyed her "BFF's College Survival Kit," that made me happy. To describe this feeling in words, would do it no justice. I'm a fragment of the man that I never was. I'm my own terrorist, it is I who keeps me hostage. I live my life in a constant state of fear. Either I'm afraid to live, afraid to die, afraid to move. I can't do anything for myself. I think I'm going to be more useless when I get older even more than I am now. I'm having trouble sleeping. July I slept every second; every day I've slept my life away. August I'm lucky if I go to sleep at 4 or 5 and get up before my alarm goes off when I have work or 11 when I'm home. It's crazy and ridiculous. I'm just a mess.


I keep ending entries with "I'm" and "mess" so to mix it up a bit, I'm continuing to make me happy and to make me feel better about myself for five unjustified seconds. Caitlin claims to read this stupid thing and I don't doubt that. I just don't think she reads it as often as she claims. So Caitlin here's your chance to prove me wrong. And win.. for once.




WildIrishRose416 (1:47:20 AM): you need chemicals

Hmm.. could be true but we'll never know.

best of mine

[23 Jul 2005|07:00pm]
I hope you're happy, I'm giving up. It's just not meant to be and that's fine. I'm as over you now as I'll ever be. It will always sting but that's something I'll have to deal with. It will never be like it was and that's a shame because it was easily the best time of my life. Here's to the end of an era.

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhh. The cruise sucked. And July has turned out exactly how I predicted it.
best of mine

[04 Jul 2005|02:46am]
I was looking at people's Myspace's last night around this time because I have no life. I was wondering, why don't I have any "miss you"s or "lets hang out"s on my comments like everyone else seems to have? I feel very left out. I'm such an outcast with my family and as much as I lie to myself I really am with my friends as well. I went to Jersey today and it was sickening. Not only did I "let my hair down" according to my mom and let myself have fun, I still feel weird around my cousins. They're so perfect and I hate it. When they're from Princeton and I'm from Farmingdale you know who's better which goes for me too, and I don't like it. I'm really tired but I can't sleep. These are some of the many yet repetitive reasons why. Love me please, anyone.
2 You'll never get the best of mine

[29 Jun 2005|02:19am]
[ mood | tired ]

My Uncle Mike, easily one of my favorite relatives and definitely my favorite uncle, has shun commitment his entire life. He's had as many girlfriends as attempts have him married. Yet he refuses to do so. He's happy. He has no one nagging him to mow the lawn, no one nagging him not to jump out of airplanes, no one nagging him to drive them to soccer or baseball or field hockey. He's independent, not tied down, and absolutely ridiculously happy. I'm steadily and truly beginning to think that that sort of life is what's in store for me. He thrives on being alone, why couldn't I? Just like people with children and soccer mom mini-vans there are also a need for people who bungee jump and spoil the shit out of their nieces and nephews. To a certain extent I'm giving love a good hard slap in it's unrealistic and quite unfair face, but then again I'm not. I've done this before this whole defiant stand against something you truly want and live for just to know that eventually something or someone, whether it's I or someone else, will open your eyes to this irrelevant theory once again. It's horrifically cyclical as simple as recycling aluminum or Bush's dumb face on the cover of Newsday. To continue the trend of cyclical trends, I'm once again sick of it all, I'm thoroughly frustrated with everything. Where's my princess tiger befriending Jafar bashing girl, like Jazmine? Honestly I have no idea plus she probably doesn't exist. What makes me so unattractive compared to everyone else? I think it's because I'm different and I treat you like gold, again continuing the cycle. Maturity is such a funny thing really. You think you've got it and then you overreact to everything like myself, or you refuse to listen to things you don't want to hear but should, want to fix others before you fix yourself, and so forth. With my luck and yours, you'll mature and realize I'm the one para tu and it will be too late; my biggest fear but alas must likely what to happen. We have no matter of luck at all. Fickleness is Maturity's ugly spoiled bitch of a nephew. I think life couldn't be any more frustrating for any single person than myself, but low and behold that is the most ridiculous concept this side of Romeo and Juliet. I'm so anxious, so frustrated, so pissed off, so angry, so infuriated, so disgusting, so pathetic, lame, ugly, and a million and one plus infinity things that every other probably bi-polar, self loathing, teenager with no confidence or self esteem feels. What makes me so different? What do I want to do with my life? Why do I procrastinate my life away? I have no motivation for anything. I'm a heap of useless life. I live my life day by day doing what I deem insignificant and pointless. I just want so much more. I want acceptance and a purpose. What do I really want though?


I partially blame my dad for how I am, as juvenile as that sounds. He even told me that I'm just like him romantically and emotionally; a total jaw dropping awakening for me since I always thought I was him physically ( tall, skinny, obnoxious limbs, digustingly hairy, predominantly ugly yanno all that I love about myself ) and my mom mentally. It's a tug-of-war battle. Here you decide: good guy, in touch with emotions, feminine or asshole, neglectful, masculine. You choose, have fun with that. Life is fucking bullshit and is extremely homosexual. We are just minions and puppets, like chickens with their heads cut off, we're just constantly looking for something to do with nothing even close to satisfying or rewarding emerging. There should be no fear in heaven or hell; life is purgatory and either would be welcomed, at least by me.

2 You'll never get the best of mine

[27 Jun 2005|06:02pm]
[ mood | blah ]

Looking through my phone book yesterday, while sitting on my stoop angry and restless, I came to a conclusion. I have almost 100 names in that very phone book, yet I have no friends. It was definitely depressing.

For almost a month now, I've been really irritable, angry, restless, anxious, as well as so much more. I can't explain it. But after seeing Batman Begins not once, but twice (the second time I saw it with my dad, my brother, and my brother's friend. I swear I don't lead the most pathetic existence ever) I realize why I have such a love and connection with my favorite super hero. We are both taken over completely and consumed by anger and rage. It's remarkable how much of myself I see in this make believe character. However I have no reason to be angry and rage driven. My parents weren't killed nor do I blame myself for their murder like good ol' Bruce Wayne.

Qustion for all to answer:
(A) What does it take to be an "item?"
1. What is the difference between an "item" and a "thing?"
2. Which one is better?

I pity me.

2 You'll never get the best of mine

[20 Jun 2005|12:27am]
After a week that would much rather be forgotten, some thinking, and a long shower I truly realize how pathetic I really am.
best of mine

[15 Jun 2005|01:28am]
Why am I always the asshole? Why am I always the one who's supposed to apologize? Sometimes I wonder if you'd even bother to chase me down if, miracuously, I decided not to chase you down when one of us was mad at the other. Scratch that; when you're mad at me. Speaking of which, Why am I always the one who isn't angry, ever? Why is it you who's always mad at me? Maybe one day I'll learn to stand up for myself. I swear if I didn't love you with every fiber of my being, with all that I have to offer, with every action I make, if every thought I had didn't somehow revolve around you, I'd hate you so much. But lets face it, two things can be concluded that are logically true and never going to change: 1) I love you and I'll never hate you, ever and 2) I'm by far the best person to ever come into your life. Lets hope this phase of yours is over soon because I sure hope so.

And I say, "Just go.
Please, Dave, just drive.
Get us as far as far can be.
Get us away from tonight."
And I say, "Oh, Dave, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell,
But I'm having quite a bad week
And I miss my mom."
best of mine

[03 Jun 2005|02:30am]
It's 2:25 on prom night. I didn't go to prom mind you, but I bet my night still provided competition for those who did. I went to Erin's house with Caitlin and we watched Disney movies. It was flipping gorgeous. Aladdin and Ice Age mother fuckers. Fun was had by all. This summer has been very interesting, in many ways.
best of mine

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